The holidays, crafts, social media, and infertility

I always hate infertility but I especially hate it around the holidays.  I thought for sure I would be watching my 2 or 3 year old opening their gifts and getting so excited about Christmas this year.  I hate social media around the holidays.  I am always seeing things like "Look at my kids opening their presents this year!" or "It's so nice to see their faces when they see their gifts" or "I love being able to bake cookies with my kids."  I mean the list of the things that bother me around the holidays pertaining to infertility could go on and on (I have plenty of things that bother me around the holidays not pertaining to infertility but I won't go there).  But I won't bore you will all of the things that bother me.  I will just sum this up by saying I love Christmas, it's one of my most favorite holidays of all time, but it's a very hard time of the year for me the past few years. 

So, instead of obsessing about what I don't have, I'm going to list things that I do have this holiday season! 

A plan!  I have a plan to solve my infertility issues and I'm just grateful that I do have a plan and that my husband has been so supportive lately.  I am so grateful for him.  He is a wonderful husband, person, and above all he's my best friend and we laugh together through everything!  When we were at CCRM last month every other person seemed so serious and we were cracking jokes and looking at fail blog, laughin out loud.  Probably being inappropriate but ... we're happy so who cares! 

I'm excited to have started the Acai berry study that CCRM is conducting.  It has to do with antioxidants and egg quality.  Since my eggs seem to suck because they all die but my numbers are good so I figure ... let's do whatever we can to improve egg quality.  Now, I don't think this study is going to make or break this upcoming IVF cycle BUT at least it's something.  They said they've seen no change at all but that they've also seen egg quality improve by 5%.  It's something.  

I'm happy to have my puppy.  He's always so happy and around Christmas I make him wear this obnoxious collar I got him that has jingle bells on it.  I think he secretly likes it! ;)  I think as long as Jason and I are happy he loves life! 

I'm grateful that my Christmas knitting is almost done!  :D  I cannot post pictures yet because my family members may come across this blog and I do not want to spoil their surprise.  Pictures to come after christmas!  

I'm grateful for the rain that we're getting and will continue to get.  California needs it so bad and although it's not snow, it makes it feel more like Christmas when it's cold and rainy!  And if I want snow I can always take that 4 hour drive up to Lake Tahoe :D 

I'm grateful for my skills at crafting.  I love to craft.  I don't do it enough but growing up I was in girl scouts and we were always doing crafts.  I miss that very much.  So, I went on pinterest (oh yes, I'm an addict now) and found this amazing DIY wreath.  It was made out of book pages that were made to look like roses.  So I found an old book (yes I feel bad that I destroyed a book but it was a book I had already read and I wasn't just throwing it away, I recycled it for enjoyment!), got some hot glue sticks and a wreath frame and got to work.  So did my hubby ;)  We finished in about 2-3 days.  It was a lot of fun and the result is beautiful!  Oh, and I sealed it with an acrylic sealer spray paint so it will not fall apart in the weather! 

I plan on doing a ton more projects but I just had an exam in my math class I'm taking at the local college and I've been busy studying for that. 

I would like to make something like this:

We do not have a fireplace so I thought this would be a cute idea.  I would have to get a piece of wood, sand it down, paint it, get stencils to make the cute designs and then convince Jason that putting holes in the wall for Christmas is worth it ....  That's a lot of work but I think I can manage.

Today I'm going to make some banana nut bread since we have some bananas that are going bad.  Instead of just throwing them away I'm going to put them to use!  Besides, it's better with mushy bananas! :D 

On the TTC front .... sorry to go here but it is an infertility blog.

My period was late ... blah!  The witch never gets here on time when you would like her to and when you don't want her she's early.  It's annoying.  So, 5 days late she came.  I have to get baseline blood work done and that's a production.  Since everything has to be done in the lab in Colorado for consistency I had to get a shipping kit overnighted to my house, get the blood drawn tomorrow, have them centrifuge the blood (I'm not going into detail about what the means, you're welcome to look it up) then take the blood home with me, freeze it overnight, then ship it back to them overnight on Monday morning so they have it by Tuesday so they can run the tests.  HAH!  Makes me laugh, all the crap I have to go through the try and have a baby.

I also got the results of Jason's chromatin assay screening.  It's under 10% which means that his sperm are very healthy with the DNA.  So that's good news ... but still very annoying because again, WE'RE MEDICALLY PERFECT YET STLL CAN'T GET PREGNANT!  Fun times.  

Back to the good stuff ... Jason and I are celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary this Saturday.  It does not feel like a year and I'm so happy for that.  I'm more in love with him now than I was a year ago.  I will definitely be enjoying this weekend with him up in San Francisco.  I got him the best gift but I can't post it here in case he's reading ;)  I will let you know how the date goes! 

So, farewell for now.  I will be back to update eventually but I will be crafting and making the most of my holiday this year!  I hope you do the same with yours!  

xo Ashli 

CCRM

I want to first start off by saying I have definitely realized just how dangerous the internet really is.

Prior to this ODWU at CCRM I had googled a ton of information about the clinic and its doctors.  After much research I decided to come here because of their high success rates and particularly that they obtain success even after multiple failures at other clinics.  During this time I was excited!  I didn't find a lot of bad information about the clinic although I knew they weren't going to be perfect.  So, Saturday the 25th comes and I'm so excited because our flight left at 5:38PM.  The flight was great, no problems there and we got to Colorado by about 9:30, hotel by 11ish, went to walmart got some snacks and came back to the hotel and relaxed for a bit before bed.  I was able to sleep well that night.

The next day hubby and I decided to take a trip to the zoo.  Well, when we got there a ton of little kids were running around the parking lot in their super cute halloween costumes.  So I decided that I did not want to be there.  Being around kids is not an easy thing for me to do these days.  So, we decided instead that we would go to Black Hawk, CO.  They have casinos in the mountains at Black Hawk and playing blackjack is something my hubby and I like to do.  So, we took the beautiful drive up to the casinos, played blackjack for about 6 hours, and ended up winning!  We were happy especially since we knew we were about to drop a ton of money at CCRM the next day!  We also went to a beautiful dinner at Venice restaurant.  It was 5 minutes from our hotel, 4.5 stars, and worth every single penny!

So ... of course that night I could not sleep at all.  I don't know if it was because I was excited or nervous, or wether I just wasn't liking the dryness in CO (my skin was so itchy!).  The main point ... I couldn't sleep. I laid down at 9:30 because I knew I was going to have to be up by 5AM the next morning and didn't fall asleep until about 1:30AM after Jason made me some warm milk ... fun times.  Since I couldn't sleep I decided that I would do some more research on google.  Bad, bad decision.  I came across a bunch of reviews of CCRM, here's a brief summary.

- They nickel and dime you.  Not saying this is not true and there are some unexpected expenses. However, I have been at different clinics that do the same thing.  It did irritate me very much how you have to pay for the nurses time separately.  It's not billable to any insurance and it is $1,550 for an IVF cycle.  Just weird.  They also don't tell you that you have to pay for at least 1 shipping box for your blood sample (the labs have to be done in their labs) and the box costs 70$ to pick up and $110 to ship, not to mention you have to overnight ship it back to them once you had your blood drawn.  Irritating but really not horrible.  They also tell you that even though you have insurance and they take it that they will only bill your insurance about $3000 and you have to pay the rest OOP and get reimbursed.  This makes absolutely no sense to me but it's not like it was a surprise.  They give you the paperwork and it clearly states all of this information.  I was annoyed about it but not shocked.  Also, FLC (the place where they do all of their emrbyology procedures) does not take any insurance except United.  I also knew this before I went there.  I was able to get an exception through my insurance company that they will pay 90% although FLC is not in-network BUT because they don't take any other insurance I still have to pay up front.  The up front cost is about $14,443 for the type of cycle Jason and I are doing.  You are required to put a $1000 dollar deposit down on your IVF cycle even if you're not ready to go through the cycle at that time.  They don't make you put it down you can walk away and not pay that and just get all of the testing done but they tell you that their prices go up every year by at least 5%.  Out of control.  We signed the paperwork, put down the deposit and we're going to go speak to our lawyer because the paper they make you sign has all of the prices on it and that's a legally binding contract right?  Either way 5% ... when you're already paying about $20,000 on everything ... eh ... it sucks but it is what it is.

- One woman said there were debit card machines in every single exam room and you had to pay before the service.  This is just simply not true.  Not the pay when services are given part (that's standard pretty much anywhere you go for medical care, BTW), but the debit card in every room is just not the case.  The only exam room I went into that had a debit card machine was the phlebotomist room.  But again, that didn't surprise me.  The room was big (it was their office and the blood drawl room) and I paid AFTER the blood was drawn.

- Many people said the communication is terrible and that the nurses, business department, and receptionists are rude.  I did not find this to be the case at all.  My nurse is Laine and she is AWESOME. She has such an amazing sense of humor, makes light of the situation we're in and I totally appreciate that.  Infertility can be such a downer.  It was so nice that during the middle of the day when we had our nurse consult she was the one we got.  Everything else is so dry and serious and she was seriously the best part of my day.  The receptionists were all very helpful and nice.  I have nothing bad to say about them.  I did have a tad bit of a problem with the business department.  When we went into the meeting with Kelly (she was the business woman working this day) she expected us to know how to start the conversation.  We didn't even know where to begin and she just said to us, well what do you need to know?  I thought that was .. weird.  I mean obviously we're in the business department we would like to know about financing options (if there were any), the total cost of the cycle, how everything was broken down, etc. but we just didn't know really where to start.  She does this everyday, she should know what to ask.  She eventually took on a nicer tone but in the beginning she was just very rude.

- There were a lot of complaints about Dr. Schoolcraft in particular.  I can't really say much about him because he's not my doctor and I didn't meet with him.  I have Dr. Surrey as my doctor and I really like him.  He's soft spoken, understanding, comforting (without giving you false hope), and he's honest about your situation.  Jason likes him too so I'm relieved about that.  And as far as Dr. Schoolcraft goes.  After reading all of the posts about him, I'm not sure those people who hate him, and yes I mean hate him, are being fair.  He may have a bad bedside manner, and he may be very confident but he has the right to be.  He consistently gets women pregnant that are over the age of 40.  He is amazing from what I know thus far about him in his ability to do great research and innovate.  No other places does as much research and clinic trials as they do.  I think what they do is amazing.  I know everyone has different experiences and opinions and that's fine but I just don't think these women who are bashing him all over the internet are being very fair.  If you don't like his attitude don't go there to see him, but I will tell you that Dr. Schoolcraft is the doctor that figured out that you have to change the culture dish on day 3 and put different nutrients in it to help nourish the growing embryo.  He did that.  He made it possible to do 5 day transfers.  I would be cocky and confident too.

After reading all of this on the internet I was a mess!  I was telling Jason how I wasn't sure we made the right decision by coming to CCRM.  It was a nightmare but I promised myself I would go into the clinic the following day with an open mind and that's what I did.

Overall I was very happy with our experience.  It was a long day but worth it.  We got some answers that day and some we will get in about a 2-3 week period.  Some come back faster than others.  What we did find out though is:

- I have a beautiful uterus.  It's shaped beautifully, I have great blood flow in that area, and inside it looks great.  Not polyps, or adhesions.  Everything is great, which is great news, or annoying news however you want to look at it.  The hysteroscopy was not as bad as the HSG, I was happy about that.

- All of my blood work looks great and I produce a ton of eggs.  We just have to figure out how to get the attrition rate to not suck!  I just want healthy looking hatching blastocysts.  Is that too much to ask for?!

What we're waiting for over the next 2-3 weeks:

- Jason's sperm test.  They're going to look at the DNA and make sure that it's not fragmented.

- Jason's karyotype to see if he has some translocation going on.

- I have to get my uterine biopsy done but that has to be done during a certain day in my cycle so I'm waiting for that day to come and I'll get that done.

I think that's all ?  There was so much information given and so much that we have to do to get started again it's scary and overwhelming but it'll get done.  PMA - Positive mental attitude!

All you need is love ... and a ton of money and time and energy ...

For the last couple of days I have felt very excited.  Why?  Well, because Jason and I are heading to Denver this weekend to go have our one day workup (ODWU) at CCRM.  My emotions are all over the place.  Flights are booked, hotel is booked, car is booked, and our puppy Rupert is taken care of.  I'm saddest about leaving my puppy but happiest that we're getting started again.

So yes, my honey and I are leaving for CCRM tomorrow around 5:30pm.  I'm excited, nervous, anxious, and surprisingly feeling very optimistic.  Say what?!  Yes, optimistic.  First time in a while I really feel good about my fertility treatments.  When my first IVF failed I felt so horrible.  You hear all of these stories about first time IVF success stories and when I wasn't one of them (especially given my age) I was devastated.  After the second one failed it was even worse.  The sadness I felt was indescribable.  That's when I started trying to imagine a life with my husband and no kids.  Not fun!  During the 3rd round I just went along with whatever and was just really going through the motions.  I'm not even sure now that I look back, that I should have been doing an IVF cycle during that time.  My heart wasn't in it.  I was grieving the loss of my 4 embryos that didn't implant.  It was a sad time.  Now though, I'm healed. Although I'm not really sure you can be fully healed even after having a child when you struggled with infertility, I'm healed as much as I can manage for now.  So healed that I've now accepted the idea of adoption when years ago I said I would never adopt.

In lieu of being positive I wanted to write down 3 things that infertility has taught me.

1.  Patience.  Before infertility, I was the least patient person in the world and although I still have moments of weakness I am a lot better than how I used to be!

2.  My relationship/marriage is strong.  Many couples have a hard time navigating through infertility together.  However, my husband and I are as in love as we were before we found out we were going to struggle to build a family.

3.  About my body.  I am always complaining about how sex education classes never taught me the truth about how difficult it can be to get pregnant.  I always had the understanding that having a child would be so easy.  They used to say in sex ed "don't just pull out, it's not effective birth control" and they are right. However, how come nobody said, although some women get pregnant easily, others have a more difficult time.  I was set up for failure!  I was made to believe that I didn't have to worry about my egg quality or my hostile uterus, and that I could even hold off until I was in my late 30s.  Do you know how much worse my situation would be if I were in my late 30s trying to have a baby?!  I just feel like I was lied to and made to believe I would have a family so easily.  And I am not grateful for my infertility but I am glad it showed me that what they tell you in sex ed isn't all true.  When I finally have my daughter/son I will let them know the truth about pregnancy and how 25% of pregnancies result in a miscarriage.  They will not be blind-sighted when they get older and try to have a family of their own.  I will not promote them to have unprotected sex, let me be clear, but I will not tell them that pregnancy is easy to obtain for everyone.  I am grateful and eager to explain to my kids the knowledge I've gained through my struggle with infertility.

I started acupuncture last week and yesterday was my 2nd session, I'm so emotional I went into the session crying!  I felt so stupid but of course my acupuncturist was amazing and didn't make me feel embarrassed or weird.  I loved my session, it really allowed me to calm down.  She also gave me some aromatherapy and by the time I left I was at ease for once this week which was nice!  I've never done acupuncture with any of my previous cycles so I'm hoping maybe this is the thing I needed to get pregnant.

We're also doing a ton of testing at CCRM on my hubby's sperm, my uterus, and our genetics so I'm really hoping to get some answers.  I will feel more devastated if everything comes back normal so I'm hoping there is something going on.  I just hate the whole unexplained infertility diagnosis.  Here's to hoping they can find what's wrong and fix it.

xo Ashli

The beginning of the end...

Welcome to my blog!  I have gone back and forth about starting a blog for a few months and here I am, finally starting a blog, that's primarily about the biggest struggle thus far in my life.  I mostly wanted to start this blog because I find it extremely frustrating that I'm 26 (22 when we started trying to conceive) and I can't find women my age to relate to.  I'm hoping this blog will help women my age know that they're not alone.

The good stuff....

My name is Ashli, my husband is Jason.  We've been together since June of 2011 and trying to conceive since October 2011.  We were engaged in April of 2012, got married in November of 2013, and had our wedding ceremony in June of 2014.  I'm 26 and my husband is 41 but when we started trying we were 22 and 37.  We have a fur baby named Rupert who we just love so much!  He's not so much a baby anymore but he'll always be my baby.  He is a huge part of what gets me through my bad days.  When I come home, he's there to greet me and I'm so grateful for him! 

So now for the bad stuff...

We started trying naturally in October of 2011.  After 6 months of no success I suspected that something may be going on.  I went to my OBGYN and she told me that I was too young to get treatment, but that in 6 months if we still hadn't had success to come back and she would refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist.  I was annoyed by this, but this is the norm, so I went on my way and kept trying.  I got involved on infertility forums and decided to try preseed, temping(BBT), ovulation prediction kits(OPKs).  I would run around town completely naked at that point if someone told me it would ensure a pregnancy. Six months passed and still no sign of a baby.  

I was finally referred to a RE and got started. They did blood work and found out that I had elevated levels of prolactin, a chemical produced by the pituitary gland that helps with ovulation.  If it is too high you're not able to ovulate or you have "weak" ovulation.  The doctor ordered a MRI of my brain and they found a adenoma on my pituitary gland that was causing the elevated prolactin.  I was put on dostinex and that's when things started getting good.

10/20/2011 - MRI - adenoma on pituitary, very small.  Put on dostinex to get levels to normal level.

10/24/2011 - HSG - tubes open, yes! 

03/05/2012 - First IUI! 50mg clomid CD 3-7.  I was so exciting, thinking that now because my prolactin was under control I would get pregnant so easily!  Ha!  I was so wrong.  BFN (big fat negative).

04/03/2012 - Second IUI. 100mg clomid CD 3-7.  I was happy they increased my dose but not very optimistic that it was going to work.  BFN.

05/04/2012 - Third IUI. 100mg clomid CD 3-7.  I was just waiting to get this over so I could move onto IVF or IUI w/ injectables.  BFN.

06/06/2012 - Fourth IUI! This time with injectables, GonalF/Ovidrel trigger.  I was very excited this time because we were doing something new.  BFN.

08/06/2012 - Fifth IUI.  Same injectables.  BFN.

09/03/2012 - Sixth IUI.  Same injectables.  BFN.

I had to go through 6 IUIs before our insurance company would pay for IVF.

11/02/2012 - ER.  First IVF!  Lupron/Menopur/GonalF/Ovidrel trigger.  25 eggs retrieved - 10 fertilized normally.  5 day transfer of 2 blastocysts. No frozen embryos.  BFN. 

02/27/2013 - ER.  Second IVF.  Same medications.  25 eggs - 16 mature - 7 fertilized through ICSI.  5 day transfer of 2 blastocysts.  1 frozen embryo.  BFN.

05/17/2013 - ER. Third IVF.  Lupron/Menopur/Gonal F/HCG trigger.  28 eggs - 14 mature - 12 fertilized through ICSI.  5 day transfer of 2 blastocysts.  1 frozen embryo.  BFN.

09/25/2014 - ET.  FIrst FET.  Estrace.  Transferred 2 frozen embryos.  BFN.  

Completely devastated.  Went through a tough week or so after the failed FET.  Didn't know wether I was going to move onto adoption or keeping trying for my own biological child.  After a lot of reflection Jason and I decided to go to CCRM since they have the best rates in the country.  Since this may be my last try I want to have the best chance of conception.  

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to get the back story out of the way.  Thanks for reading!  

xo Ashli